i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Drunk is a universal language darling
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
