The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
