I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
