if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
