dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
