I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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