I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
