You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
