when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
