how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize