mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
