i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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