Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
