I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So many bounce houses so little time
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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