If i come over, it means nothing
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
then he tried to convert me to islam
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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