forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
