I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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