he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i now understand why vodka
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
