gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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