Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
