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i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
