I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
