I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
