At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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