I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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