Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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