we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
