Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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