Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
