dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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