She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
