I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
