You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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