im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
