i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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