Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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