I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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