i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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