My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
