What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize