I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Randomize
