So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
