Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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