I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
