i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
