you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
