my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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