i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
