I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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