omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
