i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
