so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
