ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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