What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
ok first of all what the fuck
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