dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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