I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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