All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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