I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
