She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's no shave November. This is our time.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
