my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I didn't notice because vodka
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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