i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
