ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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