i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
