Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
