I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
