I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
